{"id":166,"date":"2018-05-10T09:23:08","date_gmt":"2018-05-10T09:23:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/shhdonttellstories.com\/?p=166"},"modified":"2018-06-04T03:05:54","modified_gmt":"2018-06-04T03:05:54","slug":"wifes-never-home-anyway","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/shhdonttellstories.com\/?p=166","title":{"rendered":"Wife’s Never Home Anyway"},"content":{"rendered":"

Why did I agree to this?<\/p>\n\n

Shh, Don’t Tell! stories are meant to be heard<\/strong> – in the person’s own voice – as well as for the original music. Please click above and listen, if you can! The transcript is also below.<\/em><\/p>\n

Narrator: When Don was thirty and twice divorced, he got an invitation to be a dad that kind of surprised him.<\/p>\n

Don: We\u2019d been dating for four months and she was like all right, I\u2019m not getting any younger. I want to have a large family. And I need somebody that will take care of the kids. So you\u2019re either on board with this, or get to stepping pal, \u2018cause my clock is ticking.<\/p>\n

Narrator: He said okay.<\/p>\n

Don: I\u2019m like whoa. Wow. All right. There\u2019s no sugar coat there. And we made the agreement that we would have as many kids as we could until she turned forty and then we were done. And I\u2019ll give up my career to stay home with them.<\/p>\n

Narrator: Don\u2019s last job before dad was elevator mechanic.<\/p>\n

Don: It was a fantastic job, because it took all the education I\u2019d amassed over the years and put it all into one neat little job that paid really well. So I was doing welding, I\u2019ve always done my own wrenching on my motorcycles and my cars, so it took mechanics, my grandfather was a property owner and taught me how to do drywall and framing and so it used that, I was an aircraft electrician so I knew electricity, and I was an electronics technician in the Navy. So it took all of this information and this skill set and put it into one neat little job, that paid six figures, and it was still dangerous as you get out \u2018cause you\u2019re in an elevator shaft and there are a million ways to die in an elevator shaft! You either fall or you get electrocuted or you get crushed, ripped in half, I mean there\u2019s literally a million ways to die. And that was fun. It was fun.<\/p>\n

When Declan was born, everything changed. I slowed down. Why the hell am I getting emotional? It kind of gave my life meaning and purpose. I quit riding so fast. I slowed down a lot. Didn\u2019t go out to the bars anymore. Not near as much as I used to. Everything that I did I was thinking about how this is going to affect Declan.<\/p>\n

music<\/em><\/p>\n

And it had just such a profound shift on my psyche, it was crazy. I had purpose now. There\u2019s a reason I\u2019m here. And something to work towards and work for. And there was many nights I\u2019d just sit there with Declan on my chest, bawling my eyes out. Because it was just such a heavy weight.<\/p>\n

music<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m barely emotionally stable as it is. How am I going to be a rock for this kiddo growing up? And I feel like I\u2019m doing it on own, wife\u2019s never home anyway, family\u2019s not here, and why would I – this crappy world that we live in, why am I bringing a kid into it. All these things kind of rolled up into one. In that respect I guess in that respect I was suffering from post-partum depression.<\/p>\n

We were renting a house, it was kind of a Craftsman style. The day I\u2019m thinking of in question I was sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. It\u2019s a futon.\u00a0 One of the wooden style futons. Nice futon. Still have it. I was just sitting there, I had Declan on my chest, looking at the fire. And it was getting on evening, wife still wasn\u2019t home. It was just like how did I end up doing this? Why am I here. Why am I, why did I agree to this. I was trapped, I was stuck, I couldn\u2019t do anything, I was not my own anymore. I belonged to someone else. I didn\u2019t have my own income, I didn\u2019t have my own job, I didn\u2019t – II had to be responsible for this child but I couldn\u2019t provide for it because I, you know \u2013 it\u2019s all kind of twisted shit in my head. I talked to the wife about it and she reassured me that my job is to take care of the kids. And I\u2019m just as important as her breadwinning. That\u2019s my job. Own it.<\/p>\n

music<\/em><\/p>\n

But I was still very insecure about being a stay at home dad. And like my Dad had said what good are you doing living off a woman? Where\u2019s your pride? You may as well turn in your man card now and go wear a skirt. I\u2019m like Dad, fuck off, you know. But at the same time I felt those insecurities too. Growing up the way I have and living the lifestyle I lived \u2013 I was like yeah. I must turn in my man card. And I was wrestling with this for a long time. Until I was at, where the hell was I? I was on a ride. I was going out to Wyoming. I was on my motorcycle.<\/p>\n

music: Bandito Jam<\/em><\/p>\n

And I\u2019m wearing my colors. I\u2019m a club member. So. I stopped off at this place called Devil\u2019s Slide. It\u2019s in Utah. Its a really cool rock formation. And I stopped there to take a break. And as I was just standing there stretching and breathing the beautiful air, another motorcyclist stopped as well. Probably for the same reason. Turned out he was a bandito. Bandito\u2019s motorcycle club is basically one of the most notorious outlaw motorcycle clubs in the world. That\u2019s the epitome of masculinity in the world that I come from. I\u2019m also a full patched, what they call full patched motorcycle club member. So it\u2019s okay. And we sat there, struck up conversation, and I knew, inevitably, when you strike up a conversation like that the question will be so what do you do? Right? That\u2019s what guys talk about. So, what do you do? And I\u2019m sitting here wracking my brain trying to figure out how I\u2019m going to answer this question that I know is coming. And I was like well, how am I going to answer this? I used to be in the military? No, no. Oh, I was an elevator mechanic. No, no. Maybe I used to be a welder. Something cool, something mrr. Manly and masculine. And sure enough, he asked, so what do you do? I looked at him stone cold faced and said I\u2019m a stay at home dad. That\u2019s what I do. And he stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me, kind of cocked his head, he\u2019s like, no. I\u2019m like yeah. He said: so am I.<\/p>\n

music: Bandito Jam<\/em><\/p>\n

I was like \u2013 what?? (Laughs.) That was not the reaction I expected. I was expecting a tirade of beratement from him about how the hell should I be able to wear colors and dah dah dah dah dah. And I connected with this guy. Turned out he had two kids, ages 7 and 9, he stayed home with them full time. His wife was a charge nurse someplace in Denver, and he loved it. It was great. He was like, I get to spend time with the kids all the time, I get to ride my bike more often, I love it, it\u2019s great. And we bonded like (snaps fingers) like instantly. And he was headed west and I was headed east, so we ended up parting and going our separate directions, but I\u2019ll never forget that. That was the moment that I embraced the concept and owned it. That I was a stay at home dad, and I was a Dad first.<\/p>\n

So my wife would work hell bad hours. Just a lot of hours. She\u2019s a subspecialist surgeon. A gynecologic oncologist. So she works on cancerous female bits. Ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, endometrial cancer, vaginal cancer. She would leave for work Monday morning before the kids woke up and they wouldn\u2019t see her again until Saturday. Camden especially. He would see her at night to nurse, and that was it. When he started talking he called her milk daddy. He didn\u2019t call her mommy.<\/p>\n

So Saturdays she\u2019d usually give me a break somehow or another. She\u2019d take the kids to story time or let me take a shower. You know, uninterrupted. This particular Saturday, she\u2019d taken kids to the library for a story time. And there was a bar across the street. So I got her all settled in, made sure that she had all the things that she needed, she knew where the bathroom was, knows where the diapers are. Dah dah dah dah dah. You\u2019re good. She\u2019s like yeah, I\u2019m good. Okay. I\u2019m going to go across the street, have a beer, text me when you\u2019re done and we\u2019ll walk home. She was like, okay. So as I\u2019m leaving the library, there were some moms that were standing in the line there, and as I walk around I overhead one of them saying to the other \u2013 isn\u2019t that just typical, he just dumps the kids with her and goes and has a beer. Oh I was pissed. I just stopped dead in my tracks and I gave her an earful. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about. I\u2019ve had these kids all goddamn week, she\u2019s given me a break. You don\u2019t know the whole story. Just because the dad\u2019s leaving doesn\u2019t mean he\u2019s a fricking deadbeat. She hasn\u2019t even seen them\u2026 (laughs). I just went off on this poor gal, she had no idea what hit her. I feel almost bad about it now, in hindsight, that I just lit off on her, but I needed a damn break. I just needed a time out. I needed just a pause. And that\u2019s I think a concept that most moms understand.. Sometimes you need a break. You need a moms night out. You need to go get a pedicure with your girlfriends. Or have a beer. Whatever it is. You need to take a moment – what I call cognitive pause. Like (breath out). Okay, let\u2019s go again, you know. Everybody needs that.<\/p>\n

Narrator: Everybody does.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Special thanks to Baby Blues Connection<\/a> for help with Shh, Don\u2019t Tell! Stories, to Jenny Conlee<\/a>\u00a0of The Decemberists fame for our awesome theme and other music and to cellist\u00a0Collin Oldham<\/a> for his terrific compositions and scoring.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why did I agree to this?<\/p>\n

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